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You're not going to beleive it: the new Steve Austin movie - well, it isn't great....
Anchor Bay / 95 Minutes / 2012 / Rated R / Street Date: February 19, 2013
I have seen every movie Stone Cold Steve Austin has ever made, and have reviewed a good number of them for this site. I have always said and written that I am very biased, and would never disparage Austin’s films in any way. I can always find something I like about them. At the very least, they have Stone Cold! Well, kudos to The Package for making a liar out of me. This movie is one mighty piece of crap. In fact, I had to watch it in two pieces because I fell asleep halfway through.
Austin is Tommy, a former military man, now working collections for a crime lord. His wife wants him to quit and go back to being a bouncer; you know, an honest day's work. However, the pay isn’t as good, and surprisingly, the benefits aren’t either. His boss, Big Doug (Eric Keen Leyside), tells Tommy that he has a big job for him. He needs to deliver a package to a rival known only as The German (Dolph Lundgren). If he can complete this, Big Doug will wipe clean the debt of Tommy’s brother, Eddie (Lochyln Munro).
Along the way, a rival gang tries to steal the package and Tommy has to fight off everyone to deliver it safely. He is eventually captured and has to fight his way out of torture, but none of the fight scenes can make up for how slow the rest of movie is. The wife and brother are in the movie for a total of five minutes and would not have been missed if they were excluded. I would have followed the story just fine if Tommy hadn’t gone to see Eddie in prison. There was no reason for them to be in the film.
The one saving grace to this movie is that there is a twist ending. It’s actually pretty clever, and I didn’t believe it when I saw it. In fact, I didn’t believe it so much that I had to search engine it after the movie was over. I thought for sure it was another lazy plotline that we as an audience were supposed to just go with. After ninety minutes of crap, no one would have blamed you (I’m surprised I was even paying attention at that point). It’s certainly interesting, and makes for an ending that I have never seen before. Without giving too much away (like anyone is really going to see this movie, but still…), the package isn’t what Tommy or anyone else thinks it is. However, when I sat back and thought about this ending, it makes the rest of the movie make no sense which just made me mad. I cannot emphasize enough how much this movie should not be seen.
Notice how I haven’t mentioned Dolph Lundgren very much? Well there’s a reason for that. Maybe it’s because I haven’t seen much of Lundgren’s other films or I’m comparing all of his work to Ivan Drago (Rocky IV is the best Rocky by the way), but it certainly seemed like he was thinking the same thing I was; “I WAS IVAN DRAGO, NOW I’M DOING THIS?!” Talk about mailing in a performance. There’s no reason for him to be in this movie; anyone else could have done this part.