Battleship: an awful, awful film. Also - it kind of kicks ass....
Universal / 131 Minutes / 2012 / Rated PG-13 / Street Date: August 28, 2012
Here's the deal: Battleship sucks, but in an awesome way. When I brought up a potential disdain for the movie when it was about to hit theaters, Candy, my straight-talking guru of new movies assured me: "It has aliens coming out of the ocean and a Kid Rock song on the soundtrack. It'll be fine."
Lo and behold, even with galactic story flaws and logic holes that would dumbfound even the most strident defenders, Battleship is reliable dipshit fun. There is no genuine, legitimate prowess to the film in any recognizable way, but somehow Battleship's narrative idiocy plays on the small screen as video game fun. If you switch off your brain - and I mean really shut the thing down - Battleship and a couple beers will provide irresistible dumb-ass fun.
There's a plot in Battleship, of course, but it's best not to focus any energy there. There is a signal sent from Earth into space, an alien response, Rhianna on a walkie-talkie, Liam Neeson barking orders - again, don't bother connecting any dots. If you focus on Battleship as a note-for-note movie, you'll recognize it as an all-out nightmare. Should you just let the flick's ridiculousness wash over you in a cloud, you'll be fine.
Battleship is probably awful, most likely irredeemable, and entirely silly, but I applaud its oceanic lack of pretense. This is not a well-developed action drama: this is two hours or CGI shit blowing up and a couple hot chicks in tight tops shooting guns while Liam Neeson steers a boat. Keep your expectations low and you'll absolutely get a solid rental out of it.