A READER TESTIMONIAL ON THE TOSHIBA FIRMWARE UPGRADE by Dave Gouveia

The following was sent in by faithful reader, Toshiba owner and ALIEN enthusiast Dave Gouveia on his recent experience with the dreaded "Toshiba Firmware Upgrade."

It was Wednesday night. After surfing endless websites for new DVD releases, something finally caught my eye. The Alien Trilogy. Not only was I finally relieved that Twentieth Century Fox had smartened up and released a film on DVD, but it was actually something good (well, part one and two anyhow). I drove to the local entertainment store to pick up the legacy.

Wow! Oozing aliens, Lance Henriksen and a wimpy, whiny and very funny Bill Paxton light up my screen in the wee hours of Wednesday. I can barely hear my girlfriend screaming at me to turn it down, 'cause I have it loud as hell. I'm in awe! What a grand spectacle. I didn't even bother with the goodies, just right to the 5.1 sound and the crisp visuals.

Thursday. I'm dying to see the rest of the films, but I'm always interested in the latest news on coming releases. I strike up DVDFILE.COM. Whoa.... whats this? Alien doesn't work on the Toshiba 3108? I suddenly can't breathe like I have a face-hugger on. I rush home to try it out. Of course, the damn thing doesn't work. At all. In fact, I can't even eject the bastard. I have to perform a wild act that would make McGyver proud, of pulling the plug and simultaneously pushing eject with a paper clip and some bubble gum, to get the disc out. Now I'm pissed.

After waiting a few days for an update, I hear the news. And man, it was bad. Some crazy story about having to send in my player at my expense, then waiting to see if I even get MY own player returned. God knows how long it would take. I can't bear to be without those shiny, round, smooth, supple discs! I have to buy, buy, buy! Suddenly I feel horrible, like Brad Pitt's performance in Meet Joe Black, or Keanu Reeves in anything. Just out of curiousity, I call Toshiba Canada (as I'm a canuck, and I believe the site is US based).

Here's the conversation:

Toshiba: Hello. Toshiba Canada. How can I help you?

Me: Yeah, ummm... I bought a Toshiba 3108 DVD player, and I also bought Alien and it won't play. I read on a website that their was a "firmware upgrade" or something. What should I do?

Toshiba: Do you live in Toronto?

Me: Yes

Toshiba: Ok. Just round up the huskies, hook them up to the sled, and drive them over to the Toshiba Igloo, where our skilled eskimo crew can repair it with the sacred whale bone in two shakes of a seal skin rattle. (In case you're wondering, I'm kidding, there really is no such thing as a sacred whale bone).

Me: You mean I can wait while it gets repaired?

Toshiba: Yes.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I felt relieved. I almost thought it was too good to be true. The next day, I took a trip to Toshiba Canada. I brought my disc and my player. Here's that conversation:

Me: Hi. I was told to bring these in [the player and the Alien DVD].

Toshiba: Yeah. Take a seat, Ill be out in 10 minutes. (9 minutes, 47 seconds later) Toshiba guy: Here you go. We put a new program in it and tested the disc, it works fine.

Me: Later eskimo dude!

So, here I sit, with visions of me being the first person with a 3108 to watch John Hurt's stomach split open like a ripe tomato. So I give you this advice. Call Toshiba, and if you're near them, pay them a visit (and bring your stuff).

(Editor's Note: No Eskimos were harmed in any way in the making of this article.)