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The Anti-Christmas Gift Guide by Peter M. Bracke
So, do you hate Christmas as much as I do? All those annoying
kids singing Christmas carols? The shameless marketing of "goodwill"
in the form of payola, i.e., the infamous "Christmas gift?"
How about when someone you haven't seen in forever sends you an
Identikit Christmas card, as if you're supposed to care? Or that
ultimate politician Santa Claus, who always promises but never
delivers? Aren't you still bitter that your parents lied to you
all those years, and Santa isn't really real!?
Yep, it's true. Whether you call it Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza,
or whatever, the holidays are a bunch of crap, and must be banned
before more innocent children are brainwashed into leaving cookies
and eggnog for their already-overweight parents. So in the spirit
of giving, here's my Top 5 Anti-Christmas picks. Watch them with
someone you love...
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1. Black Christmas - It's a close race, but for
my money the best Anti-Christmas movie ever is this Bob
Clark holiday horrorfest. Sure, Santa, his reindeer and
Mrs. Claus are nowhere to be found, but how can you go wrong
with a mommy-fixated psycho killer offing sorority girls
one by one? Cold, austere and still creepy after 25 years,
pop this one in if the kids get bored waiting for Santa
to arrive. Ha ha, he he, ho ho ho! (Buy
It / Review)
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2. Gremlins - How can you not love a film where
Santa is clawed to death by a kid's Christmas present run
amok? Even better is Phoebe Cates's legendary "Santa
suffocates to death in the fireplace" speech, which
will make any parent think twice before donning a Santa
suit and climbing down the chimney to surprise the kiddies.
Pure brilliance. (Buy
It)
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3. The Addams Family - Okay, so it ain't really
a Christmas movie, but it does start out with the Addams
clan about to pour a vat of boiling hot oil on an innocent
pack of carolers. Since everyday should be Halloween in
my book, this is a nice black antidote to all that red and
green, and makes a great double bill with its equally sly
and witty sequel. (Buy
It / Review)
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4. Silent Night, Bloody Night - Since "the
one that started it all" Silent Night Deadly Night
remains unavailable on DVD, rent this for an uneven facsimile.
While not perfect, it is still an effective "kids trapped
in a haunted mansion" yukfest, and predated the "killer
runs amok during a perennial event" subgenera by a
few years. And, for only $9.95 retail from Diamond Entertainment,
it's a cheap date instead of your right hand. (Buy
It)
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5. Jack Frost - "He's
killin'... and chillin'!" Great tag line, lousy movie.
Sure, it's crap, but that puffy Snowman costume is worth the
price of admission alone. We also get a rape-by-carrot-nose
that must be some kind of cinematic first, and this was followed
by an equally amusing sequel, Jack Frost 2: The Revenge Of
The Killer Mutant Snowman. Priceless. (Buy
It / Review)
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...and if that doesn't work for you...
If these five can't fit the bill for your own Anti-Christmas,
just do what I do in a pinch. Grab all your happy holiday VHS
tapes, arrange them in the shape of a pentagram on the lawn, and
light 'em on fire. Then just sit back and wait for the neighbors
to call the police, and enjoy! Happy Holidays!
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